Antsy

My last Provera pill will be taken tomorrow morning. I'm so nervous and anxious. I don't know how to feel. I gave myself Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to "dip" in my levels and have calculated my period to start on Monday. Okay...I HOPE it starts Monday. Either way, Monday or Wednesday or whichever day....it'll happen next week. If it happens next week....and I get pregnant with my last child this cycle...
I will be due the week of Christmas. March 17th = December 22nd. I don't know how I feel about that, but it's okay, I guess.

Please please please please please let this last try be a good one. Please let this first cycle be it. Please let this be it for me. I've wanted this so bad. I've gone through so much. I've dealt with multiple miscarriages, multiple heart breaks, multiple mournings. I've had to see a lot (and I'm talking a LOT) of my close friends and family get pregnant without fail and give birth....while here I am: infertile and bitter and hurting.

I want to prove my doubts wrong. That my body CAN do it one last time.

I don't want to regret anything when I get the hysterectomy.
I don't want to get my hopes up too high.

I'm scared. So scared...

For starters...

My journey towards motherhood started off seemingly simple but is now a complicated mess.
I wanted to be finished long before now. I wanted to have my children close in age. I wanted more kids than I currently have.
I've been made to feel guilty over my wants versus my health. I've been made to feel bad for wanting more when other women can't conceive at all, let alone have two healthy children out of 6 pregnancies.

All I want right now is control over my own fertility.

Someday right?


I am currently on Day 7 of my progesterone pills. Here's to seeing how Clomid will go.

Wish me luck.

This is my final TTC run for 2014. In 2015, I'll be having a hysterectomy.

I'll delve more into things later.